Abuse crisis unrelated to homosexuality, prominent cardinal says*

By GSM News Staff

Vatican City, February 22, 2019 - Despite acknowledging that more than 80 percent of the sexual abuse in the Catholic Church has involved clerics abusing teenaged boys, Chicago's Cardinal Blase Cupich said that he is absolutely certain that "homosexuality is not a cause."

Image from LifeSiteNews.com

Cardinal Cupich was speaking at a press conference Feb. 18 alongside Archbishop Charles Scicluna of Malta as a weeklong Vatican summit on sexual abuse got underway. The two prelates faced a barrage of questions from members of the press as to why the summit was not exploring how the clergy's undisputed homosexual subculture may be related to the church's sexual abuse crisis.

"All you've done is point to a correlation between homosexuality and sexual abuse," Cardinal Cupich explained. "We clerics are well trained in philosophy, and we know that correlation does not equal causation. Ergo, it makes no sense for us to be exploring whether there's a causal connection."

Cardinal Cupich added, "Plus, both the John Jay School of Justice and Australia's Royal Commission have already indicated that there's no causal connection between homosexuality and sexual abuse. And with our intensive training in philosophy, we clerics know that citing an authority is the strongest form of argumentation. I know that Aquinas says  an argument from authority is the weakest form of argumentation, but we've ensured that nobody reads Aquinas in the seminaries anymore."

When pressed that other studies have pointed to a causal link between homosexuality and sexual abuse, Archbishop Scicluna quickly doubled down. "Let me say it emphatically, homosexuality is not something that predisposes one to sin," Archbishop Scicluna said, "Yes, yes, I'm aware that the Catechism teaches that homosexuality predisposes a person toward sinful forms of sexual pleasure. But that doesn't mean that homosexuality predisposes a person to sinful forms of sexual pleasure."

Facing a skeptical follow-up from the press corps that referenced the principle of non-contradiction, Archbishop Scicluna was left scratching his head. "I may have overslept the morning that was covered in my philosophy classes," he admitted.

Cardinal Cupich quickly took the mic from the flummoxed archbishop. "Let me conclude this press conference by emphasizing that we shouldn't inflate our expectations by thinking this summit is actually going to accomplish anything," he said.

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*Because humor is what makes sense right now